My two left feet

Look at these shoes… Ain't they ugly sumbitches?

Well, they are called "Z-Coil" shoes. What are they for, you might ask, besides making people laugh at you?

You see, there's people like me, who spend a considerable amount of hours during the day either walking or standing up, so at my advanced age of thirty-nine Junes I developed some sort of tendonitis, where my stupid Achilles' heel tendon swells and makes my legs and feet hurt.

No, I'm not making shit up, alright? My doctor told me so. He said, "You're just too damned fat, and your feetsies can't take that kind of pressure, man… Lose some tummy-flab, or buy some high-heeled shoes to get rid of the pain."

Did I try to lose weight first? HA!

I went looking for shoes that could help me with the pain, and I came across these stupid-looking shoes on the Internet. So I went, got measured and tested, and got my shoes custom-fitted to my tamale-like feet.

So people ask me everyday, "are they helping you?"

"Well," I say to them, "you have to get used to using them, and it's really weird. But because the spring absorbs most of the shock of walking, my feet don't hurt no more. No more pain."

But I wonder: Do I say it because the shoes have really helped me, or because I don't want to look like a moron for having spent TWO HUNDRED U.S. dollars in fugly-ass-looking shoes that don't do dick for me??

D